I have a habit of talking to myself. I was going to write that I have a bad habit of talking to myself, but from what I understand, lots of people do. So I won't say that I'm weird or kooky or insane. Let's just take it for granted that lots of people talk to themselves, whether aloud or in their head, and move on.
I have a running commentary going on in my head about 2 main things. Firstly, what I would say to people who have pissed me off. Driving in my car is a classic example. Why road rage when you can road vent in your head? "Yes Mr Policeman, his car did cut me off. Luckily I am an extremely careful driver and was paying extremely close attention, so when he brazenly pulled out in front of me and I had to slam the brakes on, I cleverly managed to avoid hitting that aged pedestrian and side-swiping that young skateboarder. Yes sir, book him, by all means!"
And secondly, what I would answer when asked questions about myself. For example, if I was being interviewed on The View, or by Molly Meldrum or Parky or someone like that. So. Let me elaborate...
Last year we were broken into and some of the things that were stolen from our bedroom was a handful of all my gold jewellery. This included a tiny bag full of all my labret jewellery (my chin piercing). It had the original post I was pierced with, which is a small one I used when my current larger one gets irritated, and also the coloured gems I could swap around depending on my mood. The awful thing is that this bag has always lived in my purse, but about 2 weeks before the break in I took it out and put it on the dresser near my jewellery as I was scared I would lose my purse and lose the bag. So go figure.
I am obsessed with why oh why they would take a useless bag of jewellery, because basically, unless you also had a labret piercing, this jewellery is useless to them. You couldn't sell it really. I'm also obsessed about checking out the jewellery that strangers wear, as my gold was quite distinctive and I would know it anywhere. A favourite thumb ring had a flaw in it. A very treasured moonstone ring was a one-off item bought from a crystal shop and was to help me through the birth of my daughter. A butterfly shaped gold ring was bought for my birthday by Shane, the only piece of jewellery he has given me. There is no second-hand dealers in town at all, so my jewellery has vanished into thin air. The day after it happened, I walked up and down the ditch next to our house scouring the ground in case they threw it away or dropped anything. All I found was someone else's stolen purse.
I imagine, while driving home, while vacuuming, while in the shower, just what I would say to the kids (we're sure it was kids; they stole smokes, cans of coke and crap DVDs too) if I ever met them. The other day it was just one line. I would look them in the eye and say "Do you realise just how much heartache you have caused me?"
I try not to think about this theft too much as I get instantly upset and teary. And yes, we do have contents insurance, and yes, I do have the receipts for a lot of the jewellery and items stolen. But... the contents insurance was taken out by my mother-in-law as it is her house and she cannot find the papers. She hasn't been able to find them for 4 months now. I don't know if she's even bothered to look. Apparently she found them once but then she lost them again. Never mind that none of her stuff was stolen, it was mostly my things that were taken. My Ipod. My gold jewellery. My daughters portable DVD player worth $3o0. And some crappy DVDs of Shane's that cost $6 each. My mother-in-law said it doesn't matter because you have 3 months to claim for stolen items. Then she said she doesn't think her contents insurance covers burglary. Ridiculous. So yes, I get teary. Shane won't mention the break-in to me as I bite his head off about his mother's apparent lack of interest in replacing my belongings. Okay, breathe. And move on.
On a lighter note, I often run through what I would respond with in answer to questions about me. Totally selfish right? Like, if Ellen said, so I loved your latest movie, where did you get the inspiration from? Or, tell me about your favourite pair of jeans? Why do you love the Foo Fighters? Who should star in the next Jane Austen movie? How would you cook an omelette?
I narrate quite in depth, involved, hellishly long and hilarious answers as to why that lipgloss is my favourite and where I got it, or why I believe that Monica Lewinski is a tart and shouldn't wear a beret. I am always incredibly witty and delightful in my replies. I get great satisfaction from knowing that someone wants to know how and why I tick, even if it is only imaginary. I find myself extremely fascinating, so why shouldn't others?
The weirdest and wonderfullest answers can be given when no-one is listening. Well, I'm sure Devon is listening when I elaborate my answers out loud, but bless her, she hasn't complained about the noise yet.